My last lost tear has been shed...

I am often asked the question as to why I settled for Libby, Montana out of all the cities in Montana. The answer I give is that Libby was a default town. I did not know I was going to live in Libby until I could find no other town or city willing to rent to a person who owned two dogs.

Years ago, I wrote about a character who left Chicago, Illinois and headed to Montana to find herself. When I decided to leave Omaha, Nebraska I decided to move to Montana in hopes of experiencing the life she may have experienced but instead I learned that my character may have passed through Montana but she did not stay for long. She may have stayed in a yurt for a few nights to enjoy the peace and find the answers within her soul that she had been searching. I can write this because after my stay in a yurt I was able to find the answers within my own soul that I needed to find.

Libby, Montana is charming. I enjoyed being surrounded by mountains. The night skies were like being in a crystal dome and the stars that blanketed the sky felt as if they were so near that I could pluck one from the sky. When it snowed or rained it fell in a straight vertical line. This was odd because while living in Omaha, Nebraska there was always a breeze and the rain or snow fell at an angle. The smell of the cherry blossoms in spring and the evergreens in winter gave a balmy sweet smell while walking through town in the evening with the dogs. This is how I wish to remember Libby, Montana.

The people I met in Libby are kind, generous, loving and Christian. I learned these definitions because of the way they rallied to help the out-of-towner get her things in a storage unit when it was time to leave the house. Many of the people were strangers but they came to help and I will never forget their kindness. The next door neighbor and her coffee and stories shared while watching hummingbirds zoom past our heads to the feeders hanging from the gutter of her backyard deck. My dogs wish to remember the two dogs at the corner house that greeted them whenever we were out walking. The Jehovah’s Witness who did not know that if they knocked on my door I would open and talk to them as I would anyone. This is how I choose to remember Libby. My neighbors across the street who willingly allowed me to stay in their camper when I had no place to go and the family who willingly offered their pop up camper to me even though it was that experience that led me to the yurt. This is how I wish to remember Libby. Libby, Montana is best defined by the people who live there and are willing to share what they have with a stranger.

I will not hate Libby, Montana for the misfortune that fell upon me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and good or bad I learned a lot from my situation. Without running out of money I would not have learned the difference between family and relatives. I would not have learned that faith comes with obstacles and that the stronger we are the more severe those obstacles become.  I would not have learned that when a nation of family members are praying, the power they have is able to propel my body and soul from one location to the next. I would have not realized that God places people in my life to help guide me, encourage me, support me and love me.  I have so many people to thank and I hope you are reading this post and understand the depth of love that I have learned to accept and the gratitude I have for each one of you.

I found myself in Libby, Montana instead of my character. I realized my strengths even when I felt weak. I realize that I have what it takes to face obstacles and accept the friendly hand up from those who love me and the difference between hearing, “What do you need and how can we help?” instead of being asked, “Why didn’t you call and ask for help?” I learned to love unconditionally and to accept unconditional love. I have a vast family and it grows every day. These are the people who encourage me to keep going forward and to not look back. So many have seen my quirkiness while watching as I took steps of faith and, as crazy as my life has been, they never gave up praying and supporting my journey. These are my family and they believe in me and my ability to keep going forward.

Night has fallen and though I am posting this tonight it was written Wednesday night before I drove out of Montana and began the next leg of my journey. I promised to close this post and tonight I am keeping my promise.

I thank God for all of this summer’s bizarre story. It was this obstacle during my step of faith that gave me the needed courage to write about my life and post it on Facebook and to start my blog. I am grateful for the door that opened that allowed me to face a fear and just write.

I wish to thank all of you for following along with me on this leg of my journey.

I don't believe in coincidences

I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe that everything leads to something else and I have a perfect example of that today….

Friday morning I took a written driver license test so that I may obtain a Montana license and finally get on the road Saturday for Eugene, Oregon. I had a great weeks stay in a camper and the owners were going to Colorado and we would be going our separate ways.  Or so I thought…… I missed the last question on the test and the attendant told me that I had I gotten that question right I would have been on my way.  I left the testing site knowing I would have nowhere to stay starting Saturday.

I woke Saturday morning and told the family who allowed me to stay in their camper what had happened and admitted that I would be okay. There was another family who had invited me to stay in their pop up camper. Everything would work out the way it was meant. I drove Saturday morning to a very rural road in Troy, Montana following the directions of this new family and to my surprise I drove onto a dump site. That is when I realized it was not a dump site but instead the place in which this family had called home. The pop up camper was the first thing I saw and it had seen better days many years ago. I knew I was not going to be able to stay with this family. I may be without a place to live but I had my Jeep and my dogs a tent and sleeping bag and we could stay in a campground and be a bit more comfortable. I thanked the family for their generosity and left. I felt a little ashamed because I couldn’t imagine anyone living in the conditions that they were living. I looked at their children and saw how happy they were and realized that they had more than I had at that moment. They had a roof over their head, they had food to eat, they had electricity and a stove to cook on and they had their dogs. The condition or shape of that roof did not matter to the children they were happy that they were all together.

I drove to a park and asked for the nearest campground and the park host suggested I rent his yurt. I had only seen yurts in National Geographic magazine and thought they were interesting and when I went to the yurt in this park I knew it would be perfect. It did not have water or a kitchen but it had electricity and peace. It was on the river’s edge in a secluded area of the park.  The dogs loved it and so did I. I slept the first couple of days because it was so quiet and calm. I was grateful that a friend had sent enough money for me to afford the yurt.

Okay, this was the weekend but things happened that I cannot explain other than faith. A friend suggested I just stay in the yurt until I get the driver license. It was only for a few days. I told her I would have to cash a check and tried but the teller would not cash the check because of my expired license. I was with a friend and when we got back to her car I received a text message from my family in Omaha and they had raised enough money and wanted to know how to send it to me. My friend looked at me and said, “Wow, someone is really looking out for you.” We went to Western Union and picked up the money and I was able to pay a few additional nights in the yurt.

True someone might say this is just perfect timing but that is not all…..

On Tuesday, I was studying for the Montana Driver License written exam. I was reading the manual and could not find the information on the question that had caused me to stay an extended time in Montana. This puzzled me because I was told all of the questions came from the manual. I decided to contact the Montana MVD and ask what page I could find the information. I was certain I would not miss this question again but I wanted to know where I could find the answer in the manual because I had the current manual and I could not locate the page. I was transferred to a few people and in the end had to leave a message. Hours later, I received a call from a Montana MVD representative apologizing for any inconvenience because this question was not in the manual. I told her that I had planned on driving to Eugene, Oregon on Saturday and had to change my plans to accommodate retaking the test on Wednesday. She said she would call the testing site and grant me a pass on the written exam but I still had to take the driving test.  I hung up the phone and could not believe my luck. I could have been gone and starting my new life in a new city. True it would not be easy but it would be a start and Montana would be behind me.

Early Wednesday morning, I began to dream and in my dream I kept talking about Portland, Oregon. When I woke I asked God if I was meant to go to Portland because I had planned on going to Eugene.  Then it occurred to me that if it were meant for me to go to Eugene I would have passed the written test on Friday. I could not explain why the test had a question that did not belong. I could not explain why I had been delayed. I called a dear friend of mine and asked what she thought because it felt a bit bizarre and had it not happened I would have thought this was a joke. She immediately laughed and said, “This is how it all works out, you are going to Portland.”

Things are happening around me that I am not able to explain. There are so many people praying for me and I can feel the energy resonating around my body. I was in the grocery store and a stranger looked at me and said that I was beautiful, she said that she could tell that I really believe in God.  I think the positive energy is beginning to glow as I shine.

Faith is amazing, I have a long journey ahead and I am taking one step at a time, one moment at a time and one day at a time.  Thank you for following along with me on this leg of my journey. Tomorrow, I will close Losing Tears in Libby because all of the tears have been shed and are now lost and the new chapter of my life begins.

The sheriff and his successful step of faith

Today, I am happy. I have been blessed to have a roof over my head, even if it is temporary. Today, I have food. Today, I have my dogs beside me. Today, I feel as if I have purpose and that I can share. Today, I am able to recognize the friends that encourage me and believe in my abilities. They are with me every step of the way. One step at a time, one moment at a time, one day at a time until I am able to be with all of them in celebration of finally crossing the finish line.

I have been asking many people about their life stories. I enjoy listening to other people's stories because theirs make me accept mine. I was pulled over by a sheriff in Libby, Montana; I was doing 37 in a 25. I grabbed my wallet and realized that my drivers license had expired. I knew this could lead to a lot of trouble and a hefty fine. I handed all of my information over to the sheriff and admitted that the license had expired and was waiting for my birth certificate to arrive from California. The sheriff must have seen my panicked face because he smiled at me and assured me that he had pulled me over for two reasons, the first reason was because I was speeding and the second reason was because he had never stopped anyone with a Nebraska plate before. He also advised that he was only giving me a warning. I began to relax and was very grateful.

I am a talker, many who know me personally will admit that I am inquisitive and I talk, a lot. The officer asked me how I ended up in Libby and I told him my story and how I had taken a step of faith and that I am currently having to overcome an obstacle. The sheriff, smiled and began to tell me that he was not from Libby. He had been a successful baker in Washington state. He was accustomed to earning a good salary and was a union member. He said that he had vacationed in Libby, Montana with his family. He liked Libby, believing it was the kind of town a person could easily settle down in and raise a family. When he returned from the vacation to Washington he felt different. His life wasn't as full as he had thought. His job did not feel satisfying and day by day the desire to work was becoming more of a chore than something he wanted. He decided to take a step of faith. He quit his successful job as a baker. He moved from the city and all of its promises of money and comfort.  He moved to Libby, Montana. A town in which he knew no one. A town that had very few job opportunities.

Crazy, right?

The important question that I needed to ask the sheriff was whether or not during his step of faith he had faced any enormous obstacles. He laughed and said that there were several moments in which he felt he had made a mistake. He watched as his money was slowly becoming less and less and the idea of packing up and returning to the life he knew seemed the easiest road to take. He had a family to think about and times had become severely hard. I asked him what kept him standing firm in his faith and he said it was because he did not know how close he was to the finish line. He also said that giving up on faith meant no longer believing. He never gave up his belief that things would get better. I asked him how he became a sheriff and he told me that, ever since he was a young boy, he had always wanted a job in law enforcement. One day, a position opened and he applied. He said, in the end, taking that step of faith was the best thing he could have ever done because he is working the career he has always wanted. He and his family are starting over in Libby and have learned the true meaning of community. He said when they were down it was the community that helped and never allowed him to give up on faith.

Faith is not the easy road taken, it is full of enormous obstacles which will test your strength in what you believe. I share these stories with you because they are beautiful and express courage. I know many people who have taken steps of faith. Some have not reached the finish line and are still walking one step at a time, one day at a time. Some have reached the finish line and are able to encourage and support those who may feel like giving up.

I wish to thank each of you for following along with me on this leg of my journey.

I refuse to quit

There is a poem that I have on a card that was given to me many years ago and I found it while moving. I searched the web to try and locate the author. I have found that many people have written poems with the same title, this happens often and I have read the Don't Quit poem that was written by Alice Enzie Zimmerman which is closest to the card I found while packing up my things.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When we might have won had we stuck it out.

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faltering man.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the winner’s cup.
And he learned too late when the night slipped down
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver lining of the clouds of doubt
And you can never tell how close you are –
It may be near when it seems afar.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit,
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.

For we know the Father above looks down,
He sees our struggles and holds the crown.
He knows the way though it’s rough and drear,
He will give strength so we need not fear.
He offers to you the refreshing cup
Of the water of life; then in faith look up.
Continue on ‘til the crown is won
Which he will give when the work is done!

 Reference

Zimmerman, Alice Enzie. (1948) Don't Quit. Retrieved from: 

http://www.all-creatures.org/poetry/dontquit-aez.html

Another step closer to tomorrow

I sit and watch as one by one something of mine is leaving. There are some of you who have experienced this and know the feeling of having to start over, reset, new. It is frightening and yet for those willing to face the obstacles, I have heard it is rewarding.

Summer 1994, my grandfather said these words to me, "Little Girl, you make me so proud because you do things most people won't." It was the very first time someone had told me that they were proud of me. I do the things that most people won't. I take chances and believe in faith. I believe that if I am able to face down my fears and keep holding steady to faith I will gain so much on the other side. You see, the other side for me has been fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of losing everything, fear of being homeless, fear of having to be alone. Faith for me means having to face down my fears one at a time and see what happens on the other side.

I have witnessed people who have been in unimaginable situations and marveled that they survived. I have a mentor who took a step of faith and even she was faced with an obstacle that could have stopped her in her tracks. She was scared, a parent in a new town with a child who became sick. She had limited funds, no apartment and yet her child had to go to the hospital. She is fine and so is her child. She landed a great job and found a really nice apartment. Her life, is a testimony of what holding on to faith means even in the moment of being tested. I can only imagine the thoughts of fear that plagued her during her ordeal. I ask myself about her strength and how she managed but she did and her story is one that gives me strength.

I am facing my biggest obstacle and test. I laugh at the word "test" because there was a time in which College Algebra was a great fear. I passed it with an "A" and told my closest friend if I could do that I could do anything. A few people have already told me this is foolish and that I should turn back. My coming to Montana was my biggest mistake. Some admitted that they saw this happening. I had a few tell me to quit school, dump the dogs and get my priorities straight. Nothing that I am hearing is any different than what I fight daily in my head. I lived a life of being hard on myself enough to know how to successfully beat my own spirit into submission. I made a promise years ago that I would be kinder to myself and not let self doubt stop me. I have to remain strong and hold tightly to faith. If I could make it through College Algebra I should be able to make it through this moment. (smile)

Today, I will think about my grandfather who is no longer with us. I know he would hate to see me in this situation but at the same time wonder where it will lead me. I think he would agree with the many close friends who are showering me with encouragement, prayers and support to keep going forward. Life is too short to stop and turn back because you are afraid of tomorrow.

Thank you for following along with me on this leg of my journey.

I am still moving forward just slower....

Losing Tears in Libby.

I have a friend who told me, before coming to Libby, that in Hebrew Libby means "my heart" and I took this as a good omen. When I decided to title this blog "Losing Tears in Libby, Montana" it translates to losing tears in my heart.

I do not wish to leave Libby feeling lost and broken. I have met amazing people here who have encouraged me to keep going forward. Today, is a challenging day so I apologize in advance to my readers. I wish to write happy and upbeat but it is Monday and life has dealt me another blow. I just learned that my checking account was closed.... I have never been without a checking account so this should be interesting. I am trying to sell my stuff and I have sold a few things and raised a little money. I think a lot of my stuff will end up in a storage unit later this week and that is not entirely too bad. It will be like Christmas when I see them, again.

I am taking a break from college. This journey began with the desire to finish school and the finish line is in sight but at this very moment I have to take a brief break until I figure out where I am going, how I will get there and get things up and running again. I am not quitting the race just taking one of those water breaks because I am exhausted and perhaps a bit dehydrated. I wrote about the marathon runner who had always wanted to run the marathon but quit when it got too hard. I am not that runner I am the one who will keep going even if I sprain my ankle and have to crawl to finish. So what if it takes 10 hours, right? I am taking a brief break from school, I can still see the finish line but this is that moment in which I have sprained my ankle and have to slow my pace to near crawl.

I am heading west to destination unknown. This chapter is about to close in a few days and a lot of my life will go silent. Until then, I will keep posting and thanking you for following along and being by my side during this painful leg of my journey.

Thanks

"Objects in mirror are closer than they appear"

I write because... I can. There are many people who are talented in speaking and people listen to you because you have a gift. I write because I lack the gift of speech but I have the gift of writing.

All of you who are following me on this journey know that I am being evicted. I have nothing to hide in this truth. I did not expect that my written words would cause me to be punished by my landlord. His words, "I read what you wrote on your GoFundMe post. Since you are so miserable in the house, I have been holding on to a certified letter that states I do not have to allow you the thirty days and can ask that you get your stuff and leave the house in three days."

I posted my situation on my GoFundMe page as an update. I have also posted this situation to my community sell site page because I am trying to sell all of my stuff to raise enough money to move. I feel helpless because I am not in the house. I do not have the keys to the house they are with the EPA people and because of the heat wave, I have been given the room for a few days until things cooled down. I am grateful to be in an air conditioned room but I am concerned for my things. I am concerned about what happens next. I spoke with a local police officer who informed me that my landlord had also called... I guess we are all searching for resolution. I was advised to go to the local city court and find out about my rights as a tenant in this unfortunate situation.

We are human beings. We believe in treating people in the same manner in which we would like to be treated. Writing about my experiences is painful but I share them with all of you because I realize that there are some people who are not able to write and have been through similar situations. I write because I can and I write in honor of those people who cannot.

Thank you for following along on my journey.